Defensive listening
My family’s favorite pastime was to watch the news — it was their number one way of finding out what was going on in the world. We would toggle between CNN and Fox depending on which network had commercials. I specifically remember a segment in which they had 5 panels of “experts” debating how violent games could potentially sway children to do the same. Conclusively, I didn’t learn anything because the guests kept shouting over one another to drive their viewpoints home. They were adamant that their experience and their “research” were the answer.
A decade later, the only one who was right was this lady who mentioned we shouldn’t jump to conclusions. There were violent games released before then and it didn’t affect the crime rates. They drowned her out with outrageous claims as the arguing went back and forth.
The urge to be right
My adolescent understanding of a conversation is whoever “wins” is right. A win is determined when the other person gives up or can’t make a counter-argument. From my adolescent life to early adulthood, my primary objective was to win all conversations. It made me feel like a champion-no one could out-argue me in any situation.
It wasn’t until I had a conversation with my friend about her smoking and the detrimental effects it had on her. I remember specifically how I threw the “facts” on her and thought how easy this was. My facts were ironclad and there was no way she was arguing her way out of this one. She just kept mentioning “I just need it okay?!”. But I wasn’t hearing her and kept applying pressure until I wanted to hear those sweet magic words of “You’re right”. Instead, my friend broke down and the feeling of “superiority” washed away.
What was a competition to me became a moment of realization. I was a jerk that made his friend feel bad enough to the point of breakdown. The only prize I won was being a terrible friend. It was a wake-up call to stop playing this zero-sum game and to stop listening just to counterargue. Instead of playing that game, I focused on listening to understand what the other person is saying.
And yes, my friend and I are still on good terms. I remind her every so often that it’s because of her that I’m able to start the journey of a person of empathy and thoughtfulness.
How it changed my life
Instead of always arguing, I found myself asking people questions in order to understand their stance better. This curiosity has allowed me to build better friendships in the following ways: It was easier for both of us to open up and be our “true” self, increased levels of trust and respect, a reputation of being someone that won’t judge and scrutinize, and just learning about different aspects in life.
When I stopped the focus on “me” and spotlighted it to “other”s”, my world opened up to different possibilities of learning and friendship. It made life purposeful and meaningful when I could connect with another.
One conflicting thought I had at the beginning of this journey was “when would it be my turn to share if I just focus on others?” We do have a natural inclination to tell people about us. I realized it was just my ego speaking and found out soon enough that when you listen to others, they will listen to you as well. What you give will be what you get. Even if someone does talk all the time, it doesn’t hurt to give them your time and attention. Of course, the opposite of being around negative and stuck-up people is a given — don’t do it. The more you listen, the more people talk, and the more they will reveal themselves to you.
Just be curious
To begin this journey, you’ll have to fight the urge to inject yourself into the conversation and not make it about yourself. It’s easy to hear how someone went on vacation, and you interject by saying “oh, I’ve been there! It’s lovely…”. Just like any habit, it needs to develop over time. We must train ourselves to be in a state of curiosity. Be genuinely curious in the whats, whys, hows, whos of their story. Don’t treat it as an objective to just learn about them, or else it just turns into an awkward interview. Show some enthusiasm and be that person they want to share things with.
If you’re not that kind of person, I don’t recommend faking your emotions. I believe you can still be genuinely interested and not have to be over-the-top with your emotions. There are many ways to show that you’re present and care about the person speaking. Start small and ask a few questions. You don’t need to have a full-blown conversation about their interests if you don’t want to.
When you listen enough, you’ll find the answers you’re looking for. Nothing rarely gets accomplished when multiple people talk over each other, much less just stay quiet for a bit so they can respond. Not enough time is spent understanding and processing. We were born with two ears, after all, let’s start using them.
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